'Fooling Around' - my way of life
when life asks you for a dance, dance!
I am experiencing a deep shift in my professional life these days.
In my Setar practice, I’m discovering a whole new level of music and artistic expression for myself. This means meeting myself on a much deeper level than I had before. It’s a very intense experience, and the favorite part of my life right now.
I met a wonderful new teacher who gives in-person classes in Berlin (I only had virtual classes for the last 1.5 years with my wonderful previous teacher), and I started to compose little tunes myself now! Very thrilling. (On a tangent, I’ll be posting new videos to My Setar Journey soon, stay tuned!)
Professionally, I’ve been let go of my previous job as a software engineer. That was tough and unexpected news for me! I had been transitioning from a customer-centric position as a sales engineer to a pure backend engineer for the past 2 years and actually started to really enjoy the new role.
This news also meant I didn’t have to work in the last month. So I went into deep reflection mode while preparing for my new status as unemployed person starting May. (Oh and I’ve been working on side-projects like digitizing Persian poetry and performing random table operations).
So what’s next for me? Good question!
In times of uncertainty (like these), I channel my inner fool. I switch off all my inner voices of doubts and societal expectations, and just start skipping and jumping around without any considerations of where to go or what to do. That was a figure of speech; channeling my inner fool means I do whatever I feel like!
Sometimes it does indeed mean skipping and jumping. Like, literally. Sometimes I’m whistling and shouting because I feel like it. I jumped into cold (and really dirty) rivers, ate iciles on mountain tops in the Alps, and stumbled into secret & mysterious basement parties in Brooklyn.
I made friends in Toronto bars and met them again on the other side of the world (my living room) and attended a wedding ceremony in Jammu (and promptly missed the most important part, the wedding vows around 4am in the morning. After multiple days of constant attendance of wedding functions all but the most resolute wedding guests were too tired and passed out in the hotel room, including me).
I hung out with one of my idol celebrities who I randomly met in a Berlin club, and discovered they’re a truly sweet person. I organized an epic meet up in an investor’s house in San Francisco and ended up at a Halloween party dressed up as a convicted and imprisoned Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
I had multiple mental breakdowns in the middle of nowhere in Tenerife mountains, because I couldn’t figure out how to drive up a steep hill in a newly rented car (I succeeded after around 20 attempts).
Those are random experiences that all have something in common for me - they are a reminder that life is an adventure full of wonderful opportunities. They are an expression of the freedom and joy I find in simply fooling around and acting on my instincts.
I have no idea where my feet carry me next, professionally and in life.
Some of my days are quite tough, for sure - because I’m still seeking for an identity and orientation outside of myself. Being let go of my job surprisingly showed me how much I was still relying on a “job description” to serve as a template for my being.
But then I feel the urge of just racing up the next hill I see, laughing and shouting and feeling the wind brushing against my face. And I feel free and grateful for this wonderful experience that is life. And living life does not require any template at all.
I’m closing this post with one of my favorite recent poems. Keep fooling around!
Just a Fool
Autumn 2022
I push myself to the limit every day
I go harder and harder until one day
I can look back and say
that I don't care where I am today.
I don't care if I made it,
I know that I gave it my best.
I took the shots I had, missed with grace
and dusted myself off to try again.
I didn't lose because
even in defeat I see victory.
I didn't win because
in victory I mourned my loss.
When I was low
I sought for heights.
On top of the cold mountain
I yearned for valleys filled with warmth.
I wouldn't be here today
if not for sheer luck
and my instincts
that guide me towards mystery.
I love the danger because
it's familiar territory.
Old terrors and rage are what
once fueled my engine.
Now I am calm and deliberate
while still close to the cliff.
When riding the edge of existence
I don't whiff, I always hit.
In the grand scheme of things
I'm just a fool who's testing his luck;
a wanderer with no aim
but never to give any fucks.
I’m watching the clouds above
cheerfully, whistling about.
Jumping and running and laughing,
pure joy and no doubts.
I wonder if the gods are laughing as well,
about us - silly humans
running around like busy ants
with egos big like elephants.
And if fate has tricked me
into being here -
a ploy wicked and sick -
I counter by playing my own tricks.
I challenge this universe
with every step I take
to show me an experience
that I would regret.
I push myself to the limit every day
I go harder and harder until one day
I can look back and say
I’m just a fool and I stayed true to my way.
That was such a great read, Neelu! Keep fooling around :)