A new inner experience
I have been very intentional about taking time to reflect as the year is coming to an end. In the last two weeks I had some days of outward activity, exploring the city and going to yoga, meeting friends - but most days I have been inward focused. I mostly sat around at home or in a café reflecting, practicing Setar, reading, writing, taking notes.
I had enough time to dive deep into a new emotion that has settled in my body. And I feel very… different. I haven't felt like this in a long time, maybe ever. At least not for prolonged periods of time.
I am calm and connected with myself. I feel peaceful inside. The leading questions I ask myself these days are "is this my truth?", "what is my truth in this moment?".
I experience a sustained and direct connection to myself.
My habit of striving
Compare these questions to thoughts I’ve been busy with before - “I want to contribute”, “I want to express myself”, “I want to be seen”.
For the majority of my life I have been striving.
Striving for more, striving for love, striving for something, something out there. Anything that wasn’t me. And now there are moments when I am not striving. Moments that are not defined by me “wanting to have”, moments that are defined by me simply being.
This is incredibly relieving - and that's it. No fanfares, no bright colors. It's like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, simply by... stopping to want to be bigger, better, faster, stronger.
An arrival with struggles
I am aware that I am still performing, still striving out of a need for validation to ensure my "survival". I am also aware that I don't need this anymore to survive.
My performance is actively hindering me, it has become an obstacle that I am putting in my own way. It’s time to let that go. And with this peace inside me… my performing is dissolving.
I feel sober in a new way. I feel mature and calm. And I feel an inner frustration pop up - my ego speaking. Is this really all? How can I push harder, how can I be better. I want, I want, I want.
Breath in, breath out. I am fully present. I am fully connected. I am. 2022 is the year of arriving in myself.
My intention for 2023
In 2023, I explore myself and the world with curiosity and joy. I am expressing my inner truth and I am open to the response of the universe.